Any fule kno

Nigel Molesworth (aka Geoffrey Willans) is well known for his "Down with Skule" writings.  His eschewing edukashun did not prevent him expressing his views on everything, often at length. Robin Johnston, a Tag reader sends us Nigel's views on brregsitt

To the Editor, The Timz:

Sir,  re Brregsitt and Immgrants

As any fule kno, Yurpeen Yunyon is friteful mad daft broke korupp fekless and ful of weeds wets and BLUDY FORENERS

Of coars Englan is grate tops hav lots of noble brave feerless Englishmen super at evrything dont mention foopball and hurray cheers cheers were going to send all frogs krauts wops eyetis polacks etc etc packing back to live on their Brussels sprouts and defnitly not let any more in raise drawbrij pronto.

A super wheeze that we all demokratikally voted for at least 5.01 out 10 a landslide if yu beleeve Boris. After weve got rid of all that kontinental rifraf then we can repozess the reins of powr and run our own Englan for our own benfit spongers and tell them Welsh Scots Irish to behav or els.

Starting with the Nashnul Helth. Boris promist the NH something like £36 bilyon bilyon to be delivered by bus as extra saved from cancelling our Brussels sprout annual sub. As luck wood hav it sins then Boris hav mislade all that dosh or praps hes trousered it, who knos, but its not there any more so thers nothing left in the kitty to pay for all the extra new English doctors English nurses English nursing assistants English care workers English porters English cleaners etc etc needed to keep our beluvd Nashnul Helth going when thank God weve manajd to pack all thoze BLUDY FORENERS out and put a stop to any more arriving by lorry train boat canoe coracle or whatever. That'll keep the rezidew of our grate navy wot ruled the oceans busy at home insted of lurking in foreign ports with dusky maidens wot wot.

Its a pity but its the price we hav to pay. Without all thoze horid foreners to do the wurk the Nashnul Helth will be even more uterly uterly useless not to mention nowun to look after all the old geezers and geezeresses in our disgusting so-called care homes theyll just hav to look after themselves even tho they cant theyll just get smellier and smellier.

BORIS LESSON NUMBER WUN for the new independent self sufishent Englan:

dont bother going to the san yu might as well give up and pop yur clogs now, and sta permently yung or els other opshun self-extingwish sharpish QED.

Now if you havnt got ill or old you might think of going yur hols. Sins weer fed up with BLOODY FORENERS itl be holidas in Englan in any case sins Brregsitt pound not worth a pffennigg or enuff for Costa Fortune so prinsipl and practis coinside thank God tho at hotel youll have to make yur own bed and cook yur own brekkers sins all horrid foren staff gone home and no desent self respeking English person going to be chambermade for less than minimum wage or indeed ever too much like hard wurk wot wot.

BORIS LESSON NUMBER TO for the new independent self sufishent Englan:

dont bother with Tomas Cooks foren holida broshure yur pound wont buy enuff yuros dollars pesos yens or groats to make it wurth while and wots more yull need to quue up at embassy to get a visa just to go to Calais duty free supermarket QED.

Extra plus plus bonus none of them smelly garlick chopping foreners who cant even speak English will be coming to clog up our wunderful very profitable hotels boarding houses b&bs restrongs bistros chippies etc sins they expect beds made brekkers service staff kowtow yessir nossir three bags ful sir and morover on the pavements sidewalks trottoirs of our grate cosmopolitan capital therl be only English herd and we can even print the menus in English agen hurray we mite kno wot were eating unless theyv snuck in sum horse agen.

BORIS LESSON NUMBER THREE for the new independent self sufishent Englan:

 if youve any dosh leftover dont invest in hospitalty industry they wont hav any staff to make it wurk sins the malteez polacks stralyans bulgars etc etc hav all gon home QED

After the hols yu might akshully have sum dosh to spare sins yu didnt hav the nessry for hols in frog or costa fortune becos of misrable exchange rate. Of coars yu want to invest it for unreesonbly huge captal gane in our wunderful Lundon Finanshul Centre of the Wurld ful of whizz kids from evry cuntry making bilyons in bonusses tax free laffing all the way to the bank in their porsh masrati frarri.

Sorry to advize that pres françois and chansler angela hav put a stop to our wizard wheeze of nicking ten percent or more if nowuns looking of all the trilyon trilyon trilyon pounds dollars yuros yens yuan bhats groats etc etc passing Lundon evry day and all the smart alecks hav gone home or more likly to Paris and Frankfurt sins françois and angela took the golden opportunty to take over this biznes, wun mite sa a self inflicted wound praps even mortal wot.

BORIS LESSON NUMBER FORE for the new independent self sufishent Englan:

Praps best investmnt advice keep extra dosh under mattress until dust setls after Lundon no longer hub of univers sa to wunself why did we do it wish we could undo it dont listen to politishuns promisses evr agen put Boris in Tower QED.

BORIS LESSON NUMBER FIVE for the new independent self sufishent Englan:

Better start growing veg tatties neeps peas karots kabajs kale etc etc in back garden sins all the itinrant foren tattie howkers pea pickers kabaj cutters etc etc gone home & sins pound no longer the pound in yur poket importsl be too xpensive even for cheapo imports from viva espana QED

LESSON TO BE LERNT BY BORIS: remember weer ALL desended from immgrants try being humble admit yu wer rong & do evrything yu kan to keep us united friendly involved AND INSIDE YUROP.

Yurs etc etc N Molesworth aka R Johnston

with apologies to Geoffrey Willans and Nigel Molesworth